Forever yours...

Random, I know, but in the midst of "recovery" and one of my frequent moments of total despair, almost ready to give up, I decided to write a letter to Ed.

Dear Ed,

Why do you insist on latching on to me-sucking away at any quality my life has left-for as long as possible? Why do you continue to torment me and whisper lies to me with every glance into a mirror? Lies...you live through them-through irrational media and harsh judgment. You flourish in a misguided world of impossible expectations and always try to drag me down into its chaos.
You tell me how imperfect I am, how much better I could be with your guidance. You had me in your grasp, your unforgiving chokehold. You made me your slave and I followed you. I hung on to your every lie and you convinced me that I would be good enough if only I stayed "strong." In reality you were tearing me apart, making me weaker every day.
Nothing is ever good enough for you. No lack of eating or intense work out will ever suffice. And especially not me. I will never be able to live up to your "idealist" standards yet you continue to tease me with ideas and images beckoning me to listen to you once more. You don't like that I've proven you wrong in so many ways already, that I'm learning to break out of your suffocating grip. I am finally realizing how abusive and illogical this has been.
Why are you trying to tell me what's best for me? You know nothing of how a real woman- a healthy woman- is supposed to look. You know nothing of health, nothing of reality. All you know is anguish.

-Megan

And there it was. Crafting Ed into more of a separate being helped me not only by providing something other than myself to blame for slipping into such a mental state but also by morphing the ever present voice in my head into an overbearing, control hungry man making the desire to beat him down even more elevated. If I refuse to be involved in an abusive relationship with an actual guy than I will definitely not tolerate one with my own "Ed".