Missed.

I love abusive relationships. They exhaust me, scare me, make me crave more.

But no one else seems to understand or share my enthusiasm for an innocent challenge. At times, I desperately miss the comforts that Ed brought to my life. I miss the control that he allowed me. They say, "What control? He was controlling you!" It never felt that way with Ed, and I still don't agree.

Ed was a defining part of my life and something I could hold on to when everything else around me seemed to be falling apart. He was always there with me offering his criticism-but only to make me a better person, to urge me to be the best I could possibly be. But now that push for excellence and control has been ripped away from me and I'm left scrambling to find a way to keep my sanity.

Don't they realize that I am doing this all for everyone else but myself? Don't they realize that I don't want this at all, that I was so much happier before they intervened?

I want my old life back, the life that I had control of. All I have left is resentment toward the ones that forced me down this path. They forced me away from Ed and, in turn, the life I had wanted. Now, I've changed enough for them. I have become the person they wanted to see me become the entire time. They're satisfied, so now they have left me alone to fight the worst of the battle so far, the part they probably never realized I would sink to.

Should I binge tonight...or starve?